Our Day to Show Off the Best and Worst!

Welcome Sitstas! Today’s our day to be the featured blog on the incredible SITS (The Secret is in the Support) community. In that virtual world, bloggers from around the corner and around the globe share their thoughts, feelings, talents, passions, great deals, and more, with anyone who enjoys a good read. And, they help each other to grow by featuring a blog each day, and encouraging thousands of readers to visit and comment. We refer to each other as “sitstas” and that’s perfect for us because this blog is about a family that includes three sisters. (and their mom and dad) If you currently find yourself mysteriously humming, “We are family, I’ve got all my sistahs with me,” you are not alone, and you’re in the right mood to read the rest of this entry.

Here’s how this blog was born. Last Halloween, our oldest daughter, Alexis, got married.

A bride and groom carved pumpkin!

The wedding was a blast. As my friend Melanie said, “It was the perfect combination of an elegant party with a real throw down.”

The weather was a treat! The trick was that Dad was the officiant!

Throughout the night, friends and folks from the groom’s side continually came up to my husband and me and said, “Your girls are amazing. How did you get three so good?” Our daughters were a joy to watch. They danced, laughed, gave speeches, and were thoroughly entertaining all night. I could understand why people were impressed, but I couldn’t help but think that, the fact is, they’re not extraordinary young women. They haven’t cured cancer in the basement, or won the Nobel Prize in anything. They haven’t competed in the Olympics, or adopted kids from Malawi. They’re just… well, they’re really nice, thoughtful, compassionate, and caring people. They love each other and they love life. They all became teachers! They’re good kids. (Although hardly kids anymore as they’re all in their 20s.) But, I wondered, how did we do it? Because, let’s face it, we’re not exactly rocket scientists, either and it’s not like we knew what we were doing or anything.

People struggle to raise good kids and aren’t always pleased with the results. How, indeed, did we get so lucky? Or, does luck not play a part? I thought about how I could figure it out and I decided, why not go to the horses’ mouths? Why not ask my girls what they think we did right and wrong as we raised them? Then, maybe we’d learn enough to write a book to help others along the parenting path. Thus, “Raising Amazing Daughters” the blog, and soon to be the book, was conceived. On the blog, I’ll often ask a parenting question and my girls will write about what they remember about how we handled that particular issue. We also discuss our thoughts on everything from men to memories, from fashion to food, from our bodies to our burdens (which are often the same thing). In our book, we’ll look back at the methods my husband and I used in raising the girls and how it all worked out. It will be like a time machine for parents to look into the future and see how the decisions they make when their kids are little are likely to play out later.

So, welcome. Talk to us about your parenting strategies. Together, we’ll figure it out so that everyone’s kids are truly “amazing.” And, if you like what you read, we beg you to subscribe please subscribe to our blog (click to follow us on the top of the right sidebar) and help us convince a book publisher that there is an audience for a book like ours, written by regular people with practical parenting strategies. Big numbers of followers will help a lot in securing a publisher! If you want double the love, also click on the right to fan us on Facebook. For even more sharing of the love, we’d love it if you’d add us to your blogroll.

Plus, as you will see, we love to chat, so if you leave a comment, I promise I’ll answer each one. It may take a while, but I’ll get to you! Even faster if you are funny.

If you’d like to read a sample of our family’s insane talks, discussions, check out this one about how I think my girls could benefit from being like bulldogs. Or, read about how our girls have learned to deal with rude people.  If you’ve ever wondered if your kids are too sensitive, this post about empathy is for you. If you and your daughter ever argue about whether she should dress like a slut the cover of a “Girls Gone Wild” DVD, this post is for you. (Maybe skip that one if you are Lady Gaga’s mom, it’s too late.) You may notice that my girls are close. (Just this morning, Shira called their relationship a club and Tamra said it was more like a cult than a club.) If you wonder about the secrets to raising kids who love each other, wonder no more. Finally, if you love list posts, here’s a list of things I did as a parent that I probably shouldn’t have.

For today’s parenting question, here’s a bold one. Girls, which were the best and worst aspects of our parenting strategies? (Okay, I realize it’s hard to narrow the best down to just one thing, but give it a try.) What would you definitely do and what would you definitely not do? (No retribution, I promise! I can handle the truth!)

Alexis Writes:

Alexis is the oldest.

I just have to say this to the SITS girls, “You like us, you really like us!” Thanks for featuring  us today.
There were a lot of things that were hard about growing up. As the oldest, I always felt like I got the worst of the rules. I was the first one to do everything so I always had the strictest parameters. Then I would hear about the same rule four years later for Shira and it would be like no big deal. Like I wasn’t allowed to sleep at a boy’s house and when I was in high school, co-ed sleepovers happened a lot. So, one time I lied about where I slept and I got caught. Actually I wouldn’t say I got caught, so much as my mom called me out on it and since she asked me directly I didn’t want to lie so I confessed. I wasn’t allowed to sleep over anyone’s house for two months. Four years later, I found out that Shira slept at some boy’s house I think for the senior prom and no one batted an eye. Do I understand the reason for the rule? Yes, I do now, but it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t enjoy a  “do over” every now and then concerning some of the rules I had to work through painfully, when Shira and Tamra had an easier time.

Mom Writes:

I'm the mom.

Yeah, I still can’t believe you told the truth when challenged. You’ve never been a good liar. It’s one of your best features! (Especially when I’m pumping you for information about your sisters.)

Tamra Writes:

Tamra is the middle sister.

First of all, I can’t believe we are the featured blog! I never win anything (I guess that comes from being completely not special). But anyway, here we are, totally not exceptional, and totally winners today.

Anyway…what would I definitely not do as a parent? That’s really hard to say. There were definitely things that I did not like when we were growing up, but looking back, I am able to see the rationale for not wanting your daughters to sleep at a boy’s house in high school, or spend 200 dollars on a sweatshirt. While things like that were certainly annoying, they allowed us to make good choices then, and even now. The only thing I think that was totally unreasonable was the rule about junk food. I am all about eating healthy and I understand that children need to learn to eat right.  I love seeing my students’ parents send their kids to our school with healthy snacks and lunches. The kids enjoy eating whatever they bring. However, I do think that there is a difference between eating healthy and depriving yourself and your children. Perhaps if we had been allowed to have some sweets in the house occasionally we would not have been forced to have to binge when our parents weren’t around. We didn’t need to eat Lucky Charms every morning, and we didn’t even need soda in the house, but in moderation, I don’t see anything wrong with some sweets. Also, when you find a pack of Twix and a bag of Cheetos in your child’s closet, there is no need to act as if they have committed a felony. If that is the worst thing you are finding in your 15-year-old’s closet, you should consider yourself lucky. And yes, folks, that is a true story. So what? We had a small bag of treats in our closet for nights when we had nothing to do. It’s not like we had a 5th of vodka in there with it. The fact that we were almost never allowed to have stuff like that, definitely made us want it even more.

P.S. It didn’t help that we found the wrappers from our “stash” in the trashcan. Not only did our parents confiscate the goods, they actually ate them…

Alexis Writes:
I have to agree with Tamra about the junk food. When those treats were discovered you would think our parents had found heroin in the closet. No joke folks, it was like these people thought they needed a life intervention. I was about 18 when the contraband was discovered and I intervened on behalf of my sisters. I admitted to also keeping food in the closet and I said it wasn’t a big deal.

Tamra Writes:
It is difficult to choose the “best” parenting strategy so I’m going to go with a really general one that I think will encompass a lot of other things. Having reasonable expectations was really important in our family. We were not pressured to be the best of everything. It’s not like our parents had low standards for us at all, in fact I think the standards were really high: always try your best, be responsible for yourself, and treat people nicely. Were we encouraged to be on sports teams? Absolutely! Were we expected to be the best on the team? Definitely not. Were we expected to have fun, enjoy ourselves and get along with our teammates, sure. I think some parents expect their kids to be the best at everything, and forget about things like being a good person, taking pride in yourself, and being respectful to other people. So, even now, none of us is curing cancer (although I did diagnose a child with leukemia, sight unseen), but we know how to laugh, we’re responsible, and we know how to treat other people. I don’t think just anyone can say that about their children. We’re not geniuses or members of Mensa, but we’re the best darn regular people you’ll probably ever meet!

Alexis Writes:
I think one of the most important things in our family was that we always stuck up for each other. We have a sister code in my family that’s similar to the movie “Fight Club.” The first rule about sisters is that you don’t talk about sisters. The next rule about sisters is that you don’t talk about sisters. We have secrets between the three of us that no one else knows and no matter what happens between us I know that my sisters will never betray my trust. They will never sell me out, always bail me out of jail (not that I’ve ever been in jail) and would probably lie, cheat or steal for me if necessary. They always have my back and I will always have theirs. This was the expectation in our household — that we would always be there for each other. And that to me is pretty exceptional. I don’t know anyone else who has the kind of relationship with their siblings that I do. Sometimes people don’t understand it but that’s ok because they don’t know about the code. Here are our sister rules: 1. We never betray each others trust. 2. We always seek to laugh and have a good time. 3. We don’t care what anyone thinks or says about us collectively–if you don’t like us, that’s your problem. By the way, Tam, I wouldn’t say that we’re the best regular people. I would say we are the most original : ).

Shira Writes:

Shira is the baby sister.

I spent the night after the senior prom at Erica’s house, and while she was not a nice person, she was female so I don’t know what boy’s house Alexis thinks I slept at. Five years after the prom, when I was living at home after graduating college, I was still not allowed to sleep at a boy’s house when I went to visit a friend from high school. Mike lived in a particularly scary part of West Philadelphia and I thought my parents would be happier with my staying safe in his house all night, rather than driving home alone through the ghetto at 3 am. It wasn’t until the phone rang around 4:30 in the morning that I realized this was not the case; it was my father asking if I was on my way home yet. And he was not happy. While my parents were more lenient with me than Alexis about certain things, co-ed sleep overs was not one of them.

Here, though, is a parenting strategy I didn’t like. I never liked being made to feel guilty about spending money that I had earned. We all started working in my father’s ice cream store the year I was 11, and I was really the only kid my age who had her own money. One summer, I think I was 14 or 15, I treated myself to a rather expensive bathing suit (I think it was somewhere around $70), and my parents were livid. They insisted that I return it and get the money back, but it was my money. I had earned it and felt that I had the right to spend it however I chose. I don’t think there is anything wrong with letting your kids learn some lessons about spending money on their own. Had I been throwing myself into thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt, it might’ve been a good time to step in. But making me feel guilty for spending a measly $70 was ridiculous. After that, I found myself fibbing about how much I spent on certain items, because I didn’t want to deal with another guilt trip. Also, that bathing suit looked fantastic.

Mom Writes:
Actually, I agreed with Shira then and now. I’ve never spent $70 on a bathing suit, but I defend her right to do so!

Shira Writes:
If I have to choose (and for the purpose of this blog I guess I do), I’d say the best thing my parents did, and still do, is that they managed to find a balance between being parents and friends with their children. My father and I took a road trip to New Orleans a few years ago and had the time of our lives. Most of my friends would not be able to spend an entire week with either of their parents without killing each other, but we had a great time. Before we left, I thought we might run out of things to talk about after the first 20 hours in the car, but we never really did. For Alexis’ rehearsal dinner, the three of us decided we wanted to wear the same outfit, and none of us hesitated to include Mom. In our senior years of college, Mom took each one of us on a special trip, just us. I don’t know many people my age that have that kind of relationship with not only one parent, but both. I remember when we were little and Tamra used to be able to earn “dates” with Mom or Dad. After a few months, I wanted to go on “dates” too. I can’t say how they did it, but I’m sure the foundation for our adult relationships was being built from the time we were very little kids.

But, I would still much rather eat a box of Lucky Charms than a cup of Greek yogurt for breakfast. Just saying.

Mom Writes: (And Dad remembers it the same way)

The thing about finding the candy stash that made us angry wasn’t the candy so much as the sneaking. We were seriously into honesty. Looking back, our reaction may have been a bit nuts over the top.

Dad Writes:

I heard Twix is a gateway drug and that bathing suit was $90.