Creative Ideas for Young Girls Birthday Parties

With boys party planning can be as simple as picking a video game theme like Super Mario party and running with it.  Girls can be a little more complex when it comes to planning their special event.  Even if they don’t want a princess themed party, the idea is to feel like a princess on their birthday no matter what.  Here are a few ideas for making your little girl’s day unique and fun for everyone.

1. Spa-Slumber Party

This is good for girls 9 and older.  Make face-masks, towels, nail polish, lotions and cucumber slices.  Enlist another mom or two and share your healthy beauty knowledge with the young ladies.  Show them how much fun pampering themselves and being super girly can be.

2. Tea Party

Have a bunch of absurdly large sun hats available or have the girls borrow one from their mom’s closets and throw your little ladies a tea party.  Mini-sandwiches, cookies, tea-cups and saucers.  Have a lot of costume jewelry and scarves handy for extra flair during dress up.

3. Make a Movie

Of course girls will want to be girls and play at the party, but if you’re a little bit of creative writer, you could stage a movie.  Make sure you have enough parts for each of the girls to play and they will get about equal screen time.  At the end of filming you can let them eat pizza and fiddle around with getting the film up on the TV for everyone to watch.  This will be a great thing to have for repeat viewing for the rest of your daughter’s life.

The only important thing about throwing your daughter a birthday party is that she has fun with her friends and feels special.  Have fun and minimize stress by asking for help from other moms.

Happy Birthday to Me With Joni Mitchell Theme

I admit this readily — I unabashedly love my birthday. So, every December 6, I celebrate ME! I have always loved my birthday and once my daughters were born, I passed this legacy on to the next generation of mini-MEs. Why so brazen a birthday attitude, you ask? Here’s the thing. 364 days each year you are no one special. You may think you are hot stuff, but let’s face it, however great you are, there are dozens more a whole lot like you in a whole lot of ways. But, you get one day each year when you are special and you get to celebrate. You could choose any day to whoop it up but why not use the one that was chosen for you? Your birthday should be all about you. Hell, I even endorse a birthday month if you are so inclined.

I have birthday traditions that I’ve developed with ME in mind. Just before my big day I usually get my hair cut so that I’m sure to look my best on MY day. On my actual day, I run five miles just to make sure I still can. (Then I really have reason to celebrate. This year I’m 59 and you better believe that running five miles is something worth celebrating.) Once I have that out of the way, I spend the day doing lovely things for me, or lovely things I’m going to like doing. This year started off great because my sweet husband and daughters launched my celebration two days early, giving me a head start on being fabulously special. The presents were cool (a journal and jewelry made from recycled things) and the cupcakes made by Shira were adorable. (See photo) They have titles of Joni Mitchell songs on them which made them entertaining and meaningful as well as delicious. And, on my big day, I plan to walk on the beach in my favorite place on Earth, the Outer Banks of NC. What could be better than that?

Why am I telling you all of this? The point here is simple. Take your day and do the same. Treat your birthday as the first day of the next year of your life (because it is actually) and then begin anew to celebrate you and your life and make it into what you most want it to be. Encourage your kids to do the same. Make a big deal about who they are on their birthdays. Let them know that a birthday is a great time to take stock of yourself, enhance the things you like, and change what needs tweaking.

Some people eschew their birthday. They don’t want to get older or they’re not comfortable with people making a big fuss about them. I say Bah Humbug to birthday naysayers. First, getting older surely beats the alternative, and secondly, to paraphrase my mother, if you don’t make a big fuss over yourself on your birthday who will? Full disclosure — what she used to say was about elementary school class elections for president — “If you don’t vote for yourself (because one year I told her I didn’t, even though I wanted to win) who would?” The idea is the same, think highly enough of yourself to give yourself one great day dedicated to the wonderfulness of you. If you don’t why would anyone else?

And, also, eat some cake.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Is Your Family Having This Much Fun?

I just read an article about parenting teenagers and how parents and kids drift apart during those years. It’s natural to some extent as teens need to ready themselves to leave the nest, and parents need to ready themselves to let go. But, then I watched a home video of our family on an extended camping trip with our kids when they were 5, 3, and 1. That got me to thinking. We spend so much time with our kids when they are little. We know their every wish and whim and they know ours, as well as our rules and expectations for them. We know this about each other because we take the time to share ourselves with our children and we pay attention when they share with us. As they get older, less of that happens, and the result is that many parents and kids feel estranged from each other during the teen years, just when it’s more important than ever that they stay close. How can we parents stay connected with our kids as they get older and our lives get busier? I think the key remains in our rules, actually. How about forming some rules around availability? Since family time is so scarce in everyone’s crazy schedules, how about if parents look for ways to work “new rules” into their lives as kids get older? While the rules for young kids revolve mostly around safety, these rules would ensure family connections whenever possible. Maybe these new rules won’t make you your child’s new best friend but you’re not supposed to be that, anyway.

For example…

How many nights do you eat dinner together as a family? How about a rule that sets a minimum for that and makes attendance mandatory? We were so lucky that our work schedules enabled us to eat dinner together 6 nights each week as the girls were growing up. It made us closer as a family, I’m sure of it.

No other time to chat? How about no cell phones, or headphone use in the car so that when you’re together on wheels, you talk?

What would you add to this list? As teachers, what would you advise the parents of your students about how to stay connected so that the teen years don’t destroy the relationships?

Shira writes:

Bedroom TVs: Growing up, none of us ever had a TV in our bedroom, and though it may seem kind of silly, it forced us to watch TV downstairs where our parents were. As a result, we ended up watching together more often than not and developed mutual loves of all kinds of shows. It led to spending more time together and gave us something to talk about during a time in a lot kid lives where they think their parents just don’t get them at all. I think I was more comfortable talking with my mother about Ally McBeal than my hopeless crush on Kyle, but at least we were talking. So, since lots of kids have computers in their rooms, you may just have to make a rule about where they can watch programming.

Regarding the headphones in the car, good luck with that. I think I would’ve been a much happier teenager if I hadn’t had to listen to Buffalo Springfield.

Mom Writes: As I recall, it was Leonard Cohen​’s music in the car that would make you guys say, “Open a window, please, I’m jumping out.” The other thing I remember about music in the car is that when we’d put on the radio stations we liked and you guys didn’t you’d use the snow scraper to reach from the back seat to the front to change the station. In the front we’d hear one of you whisper “Get the stick.” That being said, I think listening to each other’s music is a bonding tool, so get over it!

Alexis Writes:

Do things together as a family. Yeah, your teenager will moan about doing it but those are the types of experiences that you remember most later. I remember we went to Italy my senior year in high school and, as spoiled as it sounds, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t understand how beneficial that type of travel is. When we went it was a life-changing experience for me. I realized there were so many other places, cultures, and things to learn about. I think those trips we took were really important because we were constantly working together and spending time together as a family. In the summer we worked in our family business. Because we all worked together we were on the same schedule and spent a lot of time together. Our business was in a resort area so we spent a lot of our downtime together too. Working together put stress on our family at times but it brought us closer together, too. I think when kids get older, parents see their kids changing into adults so it’s hard to feel like you can still do those family things. Your kids have commitments or activities that may differ from what you’d choose so it can be hard. But I think family trips are really important and they end up being the memories that stay with your family forever. So, ignore your sullen teenager, pack up the car, put on your life-changing music that they can’t appreciate, and go do something.

Tamra Writes:

Start a family blog, so you can email your children every day and harass them to write on it about current events and advice. Totally kidding. I think traveling together is really important. We did a lot of it when we were little, and even when we were older and I think it made our family really close – too close some times. We learned a lot about each other and we learned about the world together. Traveling in places you’ve never been before makes you bond with the people you do know and in our case it was each other. We learned to deal with each other’s music on 8-hour car rides, and compromise on what to listen to, some times…I think all the time we spent with each other traveling was a big part of why we are all close and still enjoy traveling with each other. And so what if we have the most miserable video of Alexis when she was dragged on a family vacation? It’s good for a laugh, and look how happy she is now.

Having family dinners without the TV on is a good idea too. I know a lot of families watch TV during dinner, and that might be the only time they’re altogether. If you’re able to get everyone together for dinner, you should probably try talking to each other. It was good for us when we were little because we always had dinner together – even when we were in high school, we almost always had dinner together first, and made plans with our friends afterwards, because we had been having dinner together for so long. It was a good time to learn about what everybody was up to and we saw how much work went into making dinner, and we learned about putting our dishes in the sink – all important skills. You have to do stuff together, even if people pretend they don’t want to. It’s harder to drift apart when you are always hanging together.

That’s the chorus of Bob Dylan’s “My Back Pages.” It’s one of my favorite Dylan pieces, as I get lost in the lyrics. It’s a phenomenal poem, but it’s that refrain, “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now,” that is on my mind as Dylan turns 70. In 1971, on my college dorm room wall, I hung a Peanuts comic about Dylan as he turned 30 that year. Linus tells Charlie Brown that Dylan is turning 30 and he replies, “That’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard.” It didn’t depress me. I figured if Dylan was that old (YIKES 30!) and was still so cool and gifted, there was hope for all of us. Listening to Dylan lyrics transported me to a world where I felt older, more sophisticated, and connected with a world larger than myself. I still listen to the lyrics, but now they make me feel younger, more sophisticated, and connected with a world larger than myself.

Oh, the memories this comic brings to mind. Sigh.

Ah, but I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now. I am in some ways, younger than that now because I work at it. As Dylan turns 70, I am thinking about what the number means; what age means. When I was 19 in 1971, I feared old age. I was afraid it would stop me from being the person I wanted to be — vital and engaged. With age came the wisdom to know that’s becoming less vital is not a given. If I continue to fight aging, I don’t have to fear it. I’m not talking about keeping a youthful appearance, although I try to do that too, within reason. (I keep my hair long but I’ve given up mini skirts, alas.) I’m talking about keeping a youthful exuberance. I started running in my 20s to stay vital. I gave it up in my 40s and came back to it in my 50s. It’s part of my anti-aging plan. I try to keep up with technology. I made myself get a Smartphone so that the world wouldn’t move on too fast leaving me in its wake. I eat healthfully because I believe that food fights pain and deterioration of the body. I listen to the music of today’s artists so that I can have some sense of current popular culture. And I do things that occupy my time and keep my brain alive like writing this blog and reading great books. Plus, I try to volunteer my time to causes that I feel passionate about so that passion continues to fuel my heart and soul, despite my age.

All of these things help me be younger now than I was then, in my back pages. The mind is a powerful anti-aging tool. But it takes work. I think that parents set the stage for their children in this realm. If we want our children to age gracefully without fear then we have to show them the way. I’ve tried never to tell my daughters that I couldn’t do something because I was too old. I try not to use age as an excuse. It was a plan I began way back in my 20s. So, I ask you, what do you do to stay young? How will you be younger in the future than you are now? What will keep you vital? And are you afraid of growing older? Why and what can you do to allay that fear?

Tamra Writes:

Moisturizing.

I got carded at a PG-13 movie when I was 23 years old, so obviously it’s working. I hate getting older. I lie about how old I am, and act like I’m 12 so no one will know how old I am. I think being around kids at work helps me stay young, because we’re expected to be excited about little things and be creative – which is good for keeping you young. I go running and try to eat healthy, although I don’t think I do that to stay young as much as I do it to stay healthy and to fit into my nice jeans. I don’t know how you get youngish people to not be afraid of getting old. I think there are a lot of things that people expect from you when you are older, and it’s a lot of pressure. What if you don’t have the perfect job, amount of money, social life, or living situation by a certain time? I guess times are changing (Note the Dylan pun) and those milestones don’t have to happen at a specific time any more, but a lot of young people still go by them, and that can be intimidating. Perhaps we need to remind young people that everything happens for everyone at different times, and it doesn’t matter how old you are (or in my case, how young).

Other ways to stay or feel young: laughing, letting yourself have a good time, trying new things, and if that doesn’t work, just go to a bar where everyone is older than you.

As far as I’m concerned, I turned 21 eight times, and each time was better than the time before, so I guess I am getting younger than I used to be.

Shira writes:

I’d rather live in the present than worry about being older. Yes, I try to eat healthy most of the time and am desperately trying to find an exercise routine that I have the motivation to keep up with, but I have more important things to think about than getting older. My feeling about it is, if you live a life that makes you happy, then it doesn’t matter how old you are. There are certain things that I know will make me happy in the present, and those are the things I try to focus on.

My friendships are very important to me. I grew into adulthood before I learned how to really maintain friends, and I’ve also learned how to distinguish the good ones from the ones that aren’t worth my time. Spending time with people that I have a good time with definitely makes me feel younger. Trying new things absolutely helps keep you young. Whether it’s retrying a food I thought I hated (turns out mushrooms aren’t so bad), or going to a new place, (Hello, New Orleans!), new experiences keep life interesting.

I haven’t gotten carded at quite as many PG 13 movies as Tamra has, but there have been many casual Fridays where I was mistaken for an 8th grader at work, so maybe I’ve got some idea of how to keep myself young.

Alexis Writes:

Are you sure he wasn’t being sarcastic?

Because I think he might have been. Perhaps he even meant that it takes being older to appreciate being younger. I know there are times where I yearn for the days when having my favorite dessert made my day and my biggest worry was if the boy I liked “like liked me.” So I think maybe we should consider that Dylan had an ironic tone.

As far as staying young I think the thing about it is that because you’re young, everything is new. You are filled with so much anticipation because you’re just learning about the world and how it relates to you. Now that I’m in the thirties I think about growing old a lot and it scares me. I exercise and moisturize for maintenance, yes wrinkles and cellulite offend me and I am trying to combat the inevitable. I think the thing about being young and not knowing anything is that you’re excited for what might await you and as you get older it seems like most surprises are stressful.

I try to do new things and I try to be open to people. This is not easy, we all like things we are comfortable with. I’ve tried new activities, new friends and even new responsibilities at work just to keep the anticipation going and to get things to be excited about. I think it’s easy to fall into a rut so I try to be conscious of that. I think the way to stay young is to do things that make you happy, which usually means doing a little self discovery.

Check in with me at age 31 and see if my thoughts have changed. I’ll be the only one at Happy Hour getting carded.

Embroidered with Dylan lyrics in 1970. Yes, I kept them and yes, they fit.

Your kid is competing with those kids of “tiger” moms, and the kids who have been headed to Harvard since being en utero, and on top of that, school budgets are being decimated, class size is growing, and resources are shrinking. What’s a parent to do?

First, relax. Your kid will be fine. Just the fact that you care is a huge boost to her success. But, to help you along a bit, here are three simple things you can do every day that will matter. You can do all three each day and the whole thing will take less than five minutes.

1. Let her see you reading something– a book, a magazine, a website, anything that can be read is okay. The point is, she needs to see you read. It doesn’t have to be for a long time, but the impact of Mom’s daily reading cannot be overstated.

2. Look at her homework. I’m not saying you must check it (although that’s okay) and I’m certainly not saying you should do it (because you should definitely not do your child’s homework), I’m just saying look at it. She’ll know you care about it and that will matter to her.

3. Ask your daughter to tell you one thing she learned or observed that day. Tell her one thing you learned or observed. This doesn’t have to be a brilliant insight. Maybe you saw an ant carrying a huge crumb across your kitchen floor. Maybe you learned that the term “in utero” is Latin and that’s why spell check doesn’t recognize it. (Okay, those are two things I learned today and that’s without leaving the home.) The point of this is simple. Your daughter learns from you that absorbing knowledge is ongoing, it’s fun, and it’s lifelong.

What do you all think about the best and most practical ways parents can help their kids do better in school? These don’t have to be daily things, just important things.

Alexis Writes: 1. I think parents should make sure they talk to their children. Your kids have a voice and they need to feel heard. Learning  is no longer just spitting a concept back verbatim, it’s understanding how what you’ve learned applies to you. Ask your kids why they like Sponge Bob or what is so cool about Justin Bieber? They really need to be able to think for themselves. Part of that is understanding why you think the way you do.

2. Give your child the gift of independence. Let them pack their book bag, help pick out their clothes, even contribute to making their own lunch. Allowing children to take ownership of themselves is important. Why should you have to do all the work all the time? The earlier they feel comfortable taking responsibility, the more likely they will want to do be responsible for what they learn. It will build their confidence. They will blossom.

3. Encourage your daughter to write at home. Writing is the hardest area to teach because it is usually only addressed in school. Parents are always reading to their kids but often their kids are not writing at home. Encourage your child to keep a journal, it’s great exercise for their brain. It doesn’t have to be something you read or correct (in fact, please don’t correct it) but just provide an opportunity for your girls to put their thoughts down in writing. Don’t read it, that’s not cool. Unless there’s a serious issue, let your daughter have some privacy. She deserves a place in writing where everything is accepted.

Tamra Writes: 1. Read to your daughter. Kids love to be read to. They work hard all day, and it is nice for them to be able to sit back and listen to a story. If you pick a good chapter book, you can read a chapter a night and keep them on the edge of their seats to hear more later. They might even want to read to you. Not only will it help with their reading, but it’s a nice way to bond.

2. Teach them some manners and patience. There is nothing I like better in my class than a polite and patient child. I think being nice is just as important (if not more so) than being able to spell all your spelling words. A little manners go a long way.

3. Give them an opportunity to problem solve for themselves. Don’t solve all their problems for them. Help them solve their problems, don’t just do it without them being a part of the solution. Too often children aren’t sure how to solve their own problems (even if it’s something as small as knowing what to do when a pencil breaks). It is never too early to start learning to solve problems. Forgot to bring their homework home?? Hmm…how can we fix this? Call a friend, do some practice math problems, write all the spelling words you remember, read a story and write what it was about. I think we forget to teach children to be resourceful. Aren’t children supposed to be some of the most imaginative people out there? Let them use that imagination for good.

Shira writes: 1. Listen to music. Music is one of the greatest educational tools there is, and most of the work has already been done for you. Simply putting on music in the car or at dinner can teach your kids about politics, to love themselves for who they are, and can help them develop creativity.

2. Ask them about their day. Kids want to know that people care about what is going on in their lives. Make sure they know that they are important. The kids in my class are constantly trying to share little anecdotes about their lives with me (usually at the most inappropriate time, like in the middle of math class). They just want to know that the adults in their lives care about what they have to say.

3. Communicate with the teacher. Make sure the people at school know that you are involved and care about how your child is doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should become a helicopter parent. But as a teacher, I know how frustrating it is to try to reach a parent about their child’s grades or behavior and get no response at all. Not only does it not help me, but it’s really bad for the child. If kids know that their parents and their teacher talk to each other, there’s a chance they will be motivated to try harder in school.

Which is not to say that my high school years weren’t fun, because a lot of it was a blast. I had friends, I had a lot of joy in those years. But, there was also a lot of self-doubt and pain and I found out at the reunion that others felt the same way. Maybe we could have avoided that pain if we talked more and perhaps even exposed ourselves (in a good way) to more people instead of suffering in silence. Then again, it’s possible that those years are designed to force us to experience the necessary growing pains to toughen us up for the realities of adulthood. Still, I can’t help but think that if someone had told me in high school that there were guys who secretly lusted after me and were just too shy to speak up, and girls who admired me for being smart and funny, maybe I would have felt better about myself and perhaps wouldn’t have had to face the reality of having no date for the junior prom. (Although that high school horror ended happily because just after the deadline for buying tickets passed, just one week before the prom when I had to accept my dateless status, I met someone, and we enjoyed a really fun time that weekend, after all.)

So, how can parents help kids survive high school? What can we say that will make the experience flow more happily? What is one thing you know now that you wish you knew in high school?

Shira writes:

Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a whole lot parents can do to change the high school experience. We have to learn to do that on our own, and it’s definitely not easy. High school is just really, really hard. For the first 2 years of high school, I was shy, painfully shy. By the time I was a junior, I had made a fairly nice group of friends and started to come out of my shell, but looking back, I feel like maybe I wasted those first two years worrying too much about what everyone else thought of me. I honestly don’t think there was anything anyone (especially my parents) could’ve said to convince me that I was worth hearing from until I was ready to believe it myself. The ironic thing is, once I stopped worrying so much about how others saw me, people actually liked me a lot more. And I ended up having a lot more fun.

I was surprised to learn a few years post-high school that my image of myself was totally different from what others saw. I was hanging out with my friend Matt, who’d gone to my high school but that I didn’t end up really getting to know until we went to the same college. We were “reminiscing” about high school, and I mentioned what a shy outcast I felt like for so much of my time in high school. Matt looked at me like I had 3 heads and said “Are you kidding? I thought you were like the queen bee of Cheltenham!” To this day, I can’t imagine what made him think that, but it was interesting to learn.

I guess if there’s one thing I wish I’d known back then, it would be how to tell who your real friends are. Unfortunately, this is a lesson I’m still learning, but I am getting there. As an adult, I’ve come to expect a lot from my friends. My friendships are very important to me, and I’ve learned how to spot the good ones much sooner that I used to. I’ve gotten better at nurturing the friendships that matter, and staying away from the toxic ones. If I’d been able to do that when I was 16, it probably would’ve saved me a lot of heartache.

I am also glad that I never seriously dated any of the people I thought I was in love with in high school, since some of them might be in jail now.

Alexis Writes:

I wanted to write that I wish I’d known more boys liked me. But I decided that was too shallow. But honestly that is what I wish I had known. At my high school reunion someone who was considered to be really cool back then told me he had a huge crush on me in high school. I’m not ashamed to say I felt really validated. I told my friends I was getting a t-shirt made that said that kid had a crush on me and I was wearing it to our next reunion. I mean I was half kidding, but seriously, that was the main thing that I wish had been different in high school — that I don’t really feel like I had enough boyfriends (or really any). I wish it was something a little deeper, but it’s really not.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how my whole experience might have been different if I had known that guy liked me, and maybe it wouldn’t have been different at all.Then I thought that I wouldn’t have felt so bad about myself if I had had that validation. Maybe that would have helped me avoid a lot of body issues. I probably still needed to gain confidence in who I was, though. I felt very lonely in high school. People always used to tell me I was too deep. Maybe knowing that someone was interested in knowing more about me would have made a difference. And the thing is I had a sense at one point that this guy was interested, but I didn’t do anything about it because I was afraid of embarrassing myself.

So I guess high school is like your get-out-of-jail-free card. If you mess it up, you get to graduate and go out into the world and never see anyone ever again in you don’t want to. So, maybe it’s okay to take a few more risks. I’m not going to act like high school wasn’t really hard because it was, but I guess I wish I had taken a few more chances. They might have actually paid off. But I guess hindsight is sort of like cheating because I already know what happens so it’s easy for me to say “put yourself out there more”. But I do think embarrassment is good for the soul. It’s important to realize that embarrassment doesn’t mean the world will end. Making a fool of yourself and living through it is a life skill. Also I think it’s good to know that the label of cool that is so powerful in high school means nothing in the real world. We’re all just people who have to find our niche.

Tamra Writes:

I wish I had known not to take pictures of yourself wearing a bikini, platform sneakers, and red lipstick when you weigh 60 pounds, on a camera that your sister would later take pictures of a high school dance with, develop the pictures and bring the whole roll of film to school for her friends to look through, forgetting that the bikini pictures were in there.

Other than that, I don’t really feel like I needed to know anything else in high school. Most things I was better off not knowing. Sure, I wasn’t the most popular person in the world, but I felt like I had a lot of friends that I genuinely liked (even if I don’t like them now), and there were boys that liked me (although totally didn’t like them), but I really don’t feel like there is anything I would have needed to know to make it a better experience or more valuable. For the most part, I did what I wanted to do because I wanted to do it. I wasn’t too concerned about what other people thought of me (no more than any awkward teenager), and I discovered a love of faux fur and sequins.

I’d say there are things I wished I had known when I was in college, but high school, I feel like I had enough information, except for that whole bikini situation – not good.

I also wished I had known to appreciate “fruit and vegetable packs” in my lunch, because I hate making lunch now, and everyone knows I like a good side dish with my main meal. Even though sometimes mom would cut apples on an onion cutting board, it was a good idea in theory.

Mom Writes: Well, I guess my girls prove the theory that parents can raise kids in exactly the same way and still they turn out differently. Clearly, Tamra was more comfortable with high school and somehow managed to escape unscathed. Or, maybe Alexis and Shira are just deeper. Who knows? Still, as a parent, what I’d encourage all parents to do is to work really hard to keep the lines of communication open when your kids are in high school. If they’re not Tamra, they’ll likely need to chat. Well, that and don’t cut their apples on an onion cutting board or ten years later, they’ll still be complaining about it, despite the fact that you actually made their lunches well into their high school years!

But, it makes me wonder — what is enough when it comes to being a parent? Look, I know I’m somewhat annoying, and way too much in everyone’s business, and a bit over-functioning as a mom. I send too many meant-to-be-helpful emails about job openings. I offer opinions even when I’m not asked. I give unsolicited advice despite the hundreds of times I’ve explained to my girls that no one really wants advice. And while I can easily identify my friends who suffer from the same affliction (I’d name you but you all know who you are), and swear I’m not as bad as they are, I admit I am an addict and could probably benefit from a 12-step program for mothers of adult children who can’t back off.

But, secretly — well not so secretly because I’m putting it on this blog– I do it because I believe I’m helping my daughters and that I still have wisdom worth imparting. I don’t think I’ve yet “hlepd” them enough.

Girls? What do you suggest to us moms who may be confused about when enough is enough?

Tamra Writes:

First of all, I’m 27, and for that matter, if anyone asks, I’m 21, so let’s just set that straight.

I think that if you are going to be an overbearing mother, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of you out there, that you need to at least be prepared to have people be annoyed with you. People don’t generally like to be told what to do, especially if they didn’t ask. Since I am not currently in an argument about something that I didn’t ask for advice about, I guess I am able to think more rationally, but I think that a lot of times, I want the advice, I just don’t want it when it’s being told to me. I want to hear it, I want to complain about hearing it and get angry, and then later, when I’m ready, I can think about it and decide what to do. The fact that you overbearing mothers sometimes expect instant gratification when you’ve butted in, is really not a realistic expectation.

My advice, not that you asked, is continue to give the advice, but know when you’ve really crossed your boundary, and don’t expect to be greeted with open arms and lots of gratitude, at least not right away.

When people feel like they are in crisis, the last thing they want to hear (at least for me), is someone’s simple solution. When you feel like your world is crashing down, sometimes you just want someone to say, “You’re right, your life is a mess, how do you go on each day?” Rather than some rational “take action” advice, which I’ll probably do after I have a meltdown. I think if mothers are able to keep a good boundary, they might even find that their children actually ask them for advice before they have to butt in.

I guess I was a little premature to declare at the age of 6 that I had enough hlep. I think everyone always wants hlep, whether they think they do or not. My advice (again, who’s asking?), tread lightly, and just don’t get too frustrated when you get hung up on or receive a nasty email about how you are ruining your child’s life and owe them for all of the therapy sessions they’re going to need.

Again, I’m not 28.

Alexis writes: Judy Gold (a comedian who is also a lesbian) once said this about her children “I feel bad for my kids. I mean they have two Jewish mothers, wouldn’t you kill yourself?” It’s true that mothers get a bad rap for being too involved in their children’s lives. But it’s hard, they’re mothers, are they supposed to just stand by and watch their children make horrific mistakes?

I think giving advice is a lot like being a good comedian– it’s all about delivery and timing. Even the funniest joke can be completely unfunny if told at the wrong time. Advice is the same way. I agree with Tamra that when we children confide in our parents about things, we are probably (at least indirectly) asking them to weigh in about the issue, even if we don’t realize it. But even the best piece of advice can be misconstrued into the rudest comment if it’s not discussed at the right time. Tamra is right about instant gratification, mothers are not comedians who will be getting a laugh instantaneously proving that what they said was good. Chances are the closest thing to instant response the advice-giving mom is going to get is an abrupt hang-up.

It’s our instinct as adult children to prove to our parents that we can take care of ourselves. I think that sometimes people feel that if they need to ask their parents for help all the time, they’re not really independent. And let’s face it–there are plenty of adult children out there who rely too heavily on their parents. So it’s a slippery slope for us too. If we need your advice all the time are we really mature, functioning adults? Try to keep that in mind when you talk to us.

So, mothers, my advice for you is to weigh your words carefully. Try to dispense your life lessons in a way that doesn’t make a person feel like if they don’t take your advice you’re judging them harshly (which you probably are but you can pretend you’re not). Watch your timing and delivery, and try not to get too upset about putting us in therapy (if we have health insurance it’s not that big of a deal). You’re a parent so it’s your job to guide us.

By the way, Mom, tell Tamra she’s not 21. She might need some advice about embracing her age.

Mom writes: Well, first, I did screw up remembering Tamra’s age correctly. And secondly, I’m pretty sure it’s that kind of advice that might elicit a less-than-grateful response from Tam.

Ned writes:

I usually like to weigh in after everyone has given their opinion and although Shira has not yet responded, it seems that you all have a pretty good bead on the over-functioning parent. All three of you tell us a lot of stuff, so deep down you probably want our opinions. Your mom and I often say that none of you initially takes our advice, because you need a little time to think about what we suggest. I can’t say that you always do what we say, but I respect most of your decisions. When I stick my two cents in (I actually think my advice is worth at least double that), I try to make a point of not really getting too emotionally involved in your responses because it’s not going to be pretty and I want to avoid an argument. I try to get in and out of there quickly. But your posts show how wise you have become, probably from listening to our good advice. So maybe I should start asking for your advice. Maybe not. And really, I think I have hleped you enough.

Tamra writes: Your mom.

Ned writes: Tamra, don’t get me started.

Image by jelene via Flickr

First, I entered a writing contest on the Two Kinds of People Blog (which a very fun thing to read on a regular basis) and won! Full disclosure… it was a very small contest but, hey, a win is a win, right? Read my winning entry here: http://2kop.blogspot.com/2011/02/winner-is-all-tied-up.html.

For more fun…. answer this question: What’s wrong with acting your shoe size?

We’ve all heard, “act your age, not your shoe size.” It’s what kids or teens say to each other to make fun of them when they act younger than they are. My question is, what’s wrong with acting younger than you are? And, shouldn’t we all do that sometimes? I’m 58 and I’m not sure what that means about how I should act, but I do know that my shoe size is 7 and I know how to be that age. It means I can swing on swings at the park, I can build sandcastles at the beach, I can laugh with abandon when something is funny, even if it makes me snort a little, or pee just a tiny bit. When my girls were little, acting like I was my shoe size meant I could build snow folks, sled and play board games with my daughters and even indulge in a Barbie world or two.

Our lives fly by and if we don’t take the time to act like idiots once in a while, we miss a real opportunity to have fun. Parents often correct their children about being “silly” or acting like a baby and I think that may be a mistake. Why hurry them to grow up?

The power of humor cannot be overstated. I don’t know if a sense of humor is inborn but I don’t think it is. I think it’s something you have to learn and I can’t think of too many more important things to teach a child. It should be part of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others…. oh, and make ‘em laugh, too.”

Not only do I think we ought to let our kids be silly and to enjoy humor, I think we ought to get right down there on the floor and join them. Or, we ought to at least be able to sit back and watch the show and let it bring a smile to our lips. I believe that if we raise kids who stay kids as long as they can, they become adults with enhanced senses of humor and better attitudes about life. As they once said on the “Mary Tyler Moore Show,” … “a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” Nothing wrong with that at any age.

What “age inappropriate” activities do you still like? When was the last time you indulged? What are you waiting for? And what can we do to keep little kids younger, playful, and gleeful a bit longer? How insure a sense of humor in kids?

Alexis Writes: Even in high school I always enjoyed swinging on swings and hanging at the playground in general. My friends and I would go to playgrounds at night (yes I knew it was illegal as the parks were “closed” but we weren’t hurting anyone) and slide down the slide and hang on the jungle gym. One thing I think we discourage kids to do as adults by not acting silly is that we are encouraging them not to take risks. We don’t want them to do something where they can get hurt, but sometimes that means having no fun. It’s a balance they should learn from us.

People say that everything in life can’t be fun. That may be true but how much fun you have is often in your control. If you choose to have a good attitude,  many things in your life can be fun. I love my job because I work hard to make it fun for me and the kids. We sing and laugh together. One thing all my students agree is that I’m funny. They know that it’s important to me that they have fun while they learn. Teaching your kids to have fun and laugh is a life skill, a coping mechanism, and a way to connect with people. The last time I probably acted ridiculous was two hours ago when I sang: ” Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you’re rockin the boat!” to a boy who’s notorious in my class for not staying in his seat. For most adults this would be outrageous behavior, but in my classroom it’s the norm, and it’s fun. We also have freeze dance every day. In the beginning most kids are shy and don’t dance very much. Now that we’ve been doing it for a while they are completely comfortable busting a move. I love dancing and often indulge in it. I dance around my house all the time full throttle, holding nothing back. There’s been many a time my husband has come home and walked in on me really giving my all singing and dancing to my current favorite song. I don’t mind being discovered that way. It’s one moment where I feel completely myself and happy. How many adults can say that about what they do? I don’t know about the seltzer, but the song and dance I am down for.

Tamra Writes: Okay, numero uno, no kids or teens EVER say “act your age, not your shoe size,” unless they’re singing a Prince song. Let’s just make that clear. I love to act silly, although I get not wanting to embarrass yourself. I end up embarrassing myself without doing it on purpose, and for other people who are like that, I could understand them not wanting to do it on purpose. That being said, it can be fun to act completely out of control and crazy like you don’t care what anyone thinks. We dance in my classroom too and often the kids are really shy at first. As soon as they see me embarrassing myself (hardly, I am an awesome dancer), they are more willing to bust a move or two.

Shira and I often end up having an impromptu dance party in the house and it’s so fun, we like to video tape it so we can watch it later and laugh. It’s good clean fun, and there’s nothing wrong with that. No, I’m not going to put seltzer down my pants, although I will eat a gross combination of food just for kicks. I think adults need to stop worrying so much about what people think of them, so kids can learn to do the same.

The last time I indulged in ridiculous behavior? Probably yesterday, definitely at least once this week. Although I think at first people feel uncomfortable even just watching others let loose, eventually they loosen up and are at least smiling, or even laughing. Being silly is fun for everyone. Now, I’m a 5 1/2/ 6 shoe size, and I’d like to be either of those ages. I’m already lying and saying I’m only 21, what’s a few more years to lie about?? I love to play!

Shira writes: I totally agree that no one under the age of 50 has ever used the expression “Act your age, not your shoe size.” That’s something easily-annoyed librarians say when you’re being too loud in the fiction section. Somewhere along the line, I think I was in college, I decided I could have a lot more fun if I stopped worrying about being embarrassed. Now I’m known as the teacher who writes songs, hosts math karaoke, and always wears a pumpkin hat on Halloween. We have a lot of fun in my classroom, and sometimes I forget that I am not one of the kids. In addition to the spur-of-the-moment living room dance parties with Tamra, my grade partner and I have instituted a before school Friday morning classroom dance party for the teachers on our floor.

When I have a bad day, one of my favorite things to do is go to the bookstore, sit on the floor in the kids’ section, and read children’s books to myself. It seems weird, but the silly stories make me feel better. I am also “that girl” that you pass on the highway who has her music turned up all the way and is singing at the top of her lungs and car dancing as if no one can see her. It’s even more fun when I make eye contact with the people next to me and smile, just to let them know that I’m not embarrassed to be caught in the act of being silly.

My shoe size if somewhere between 7 and 7 1/2, and I think it would be a lot of fun to go back there. I also have some really great shoes.

And so, I think that parents should talk to their kids about this news event, regardless of their age (okay, maybe not the infants). I think this is a time when parents can and should talk to their children about what’s going on in the world. It’s not hard to explain this news to kids. Put simply, the people of Egypt, after being led for 30 years by a leader who didn’t care as much for them as himself, said “Enough.” They spread the word on Facebook and Twitter. And, they gathered and stayed in the streets for weeks, for the most part in a non-violent manner, demonstrating their demands for a better life. They demanded that President Mubarak step down and In the end, that’s what happened. And now, it will take some time, but maybe Egypt will become a true democracy. Maybe not, but at least now there is a chance. And if that happens, the region of the Middle East changes and takes steps toward peace, which, if it can happen in that area of the world, it can spread worldwide.

This matters a great deal to me and to millions of parents around the world, but it’s not about us. It’s about our children and the world we will leave them. This was no ordinary week in world events. What’s happened recently in Tunisia, in Yemen, and now in Egypt may mean that the way is paved for peace. Now is the time to talk to your kids about the world around them. I hope my daughters will each talk to the young people they teach in their classrooms, too. If each parent and each classroom teacher explains to kids that the way to peace can be non-violent and that the road to peace is open, maybe they’ll hope along with me that the world is going to be a better place. And, if we all believe that…. maybe it will transform our future.

What did you feel as you watched the news from Egypt this week? Do you agree that it’s news worth sharing with kids? Why?

Alexis writes: Watching the news since the protests began was a little scary. I don’t think a lot of people (including myself) were really well-informed about the reasons why the Egyptian people wanted change. I went online and read an article about what the people were asking for. I realized that what the people were asking for was very reasonable. They wanted to be able to have fair and free elections and they wanted to elect a leader that had sympathy for their plight. Several days later the subject of Egypt came up in conversation at work and one of my colleagues suggested that the reason the protests in Egypt were happening was because Al Qaeda had an interest in taking over the country. I was absolutely horrified that a person who should be educated would suggest something so unfounded.

I think a lot of times parents don’t want to discuss this stuff with their kids because they want to protect them from the fact that sometimes the world is a scary place. Be careful with this folks. There’s a difference between innocence and ignorance. You have a responsibility to your child to let them know being informed is important. Knowledge truly is power, give it to your children. Discussing things will give your kids intellectual curiosity and tolerance, both important life skills. What’s really great about this experience is that in school we talk about Martin Luther King but it’s hard for the kids to really relate to what it was like to be alive in his time. Now we have a real-life example of people taking control of their destiny and banding together to make change. It’s a great opportunity to be a real witness to history. What could be bad about that for your children?

Tamra Writes: I’m not gonna lie, I really didn’t have too much of a clue what was going on, besides what I had seen on Facebook. I haven’t turned on the news since I can’t remember when, so I had to do a quick catch up to find out the details of what was really going on. Now that I’m all caught up, I think I can respond to the blog (we’ll see about that).

I think what’s happening over there is actually pretty cool. I can’t imagine going through what those people have been going through, but I guess it wasn’t too long ago that this country was going through similar kinds of things – trying to change the laws so things are fair. I agree with Alexis about this one. I teach a unit on Black History during the month of February, and the kids really have a hard time understanding what was going on and realizing that it wasn’t that long ago that our country was experiencing these kinds of things. This would be a great opportunity to give the kids a real life example that is happening when they are alive. I hear it all the time in school, “can’t talk about that with the kids.” I agree that there are some things I censor, because I don’t know that it is my job to explain certain sensitive issues to 8 year olds, but parents can teach their kids about this kind of stuff and I agree that they have a responsibility to share this kind of news with their children. Besides, if parents don’t talk about it, their children could grow up thinking that it’s not important to be informed because they never heard their parents discussing news. Do we really need a generation of people who don’t care/know about what’s going on in the world? Could be pretty scary…

Ned Writes: Yes, this is important news as we may be seeing a remaking of the Middle East. Egypt, the largest country in the middle East with 80 million people, seems to be moving toward democracy and they did it peacefully. Of course when the military is on the side of the revolutionaries, then there was no force to stop the people. Egyptians want freedom, but they also want jobs and the ability to feed their families. I remember Tiananmen Square which started as a peaceful protest and ended in a massacre. We are a long way from peace and this new instability may bring more problems in an already complex situation. I think over time we are getting closer to a more civilized world, but we are a long way from peace on earth. So although this movement is inspiring and hopeful I am reminded of a favorite quote from Martin Luther King “Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.”

Shira writes: I admit that I limit my news intake to the 15 minutes of fluffy early morning news show that plays in the background while I put my make-up on, so my knowledge of the situation in Egypt was also limited. Sometimes even I think the news is too much to take, so I can imagine why people might think they are protecting their children from what is going on in the world. That being said, I do think it is absolutely necessary to be aware when something major is taking place, even if it’s not in our own backyards. I just had a discussion with my students on Friday about making changes in the world. We watched a movie about the role of youth in the Civil Rights Movement, and I think it was the first time they saw a large group of people close to their age making a difference.

When I taught in England, I was surprised how much my fifth graders knew about the rest of the world. They could actually locate Kenya on a map, and I worry that some American kids wouldn’t be able to tell me where Texas is. And I don’t think that is necessarily their fault. We adults are so worried about “protecting” kids that we forget to keep them informed. If we don’t give them a little information, we are going to end up with a world full of really ignorant adults.

Got me to thinking, though. What makes you positive or negative? And, what can you do to shift the balance to P from N? Turns out, much of it is determined by the things you say and the way you say them. For example, the column said, if you are critical or judgmental, you send out negative vibes and get those in return. If you meet people for the first time and they hear you judging others harshly, they get a negative vibe from you and that, in turn, sends negativity your way.

My girls and I may be guilty here. Does that make us less positive? We do, sometimes for sport, judge others harshly. We keep it quiet and among ourselves, though, so we don’t actually hurt anyone’s feelings. I’ve always thought that examining how others lived their lives and talking about it helped us to figure out how we could do better. When a friend’s kid exhibits a selfish behavior, for example, I’ll tell my girls about it and we’ll talk about how that kid is doing the wrong thing, hurting her parent, etc. and we process how we (who are totally perfect) would never behave that way. I thought this was productive. Now I see that maybe it just made us seem judgmental and negative.

Have I set a bad example here? Have I made my daughters seem negative to others with a judgmental leaning? Is it time for us to develop a new attitude and a more embracing-of-others philosophy?

Shira writes:

I’ve always thought of myself as a positive person, but honestly, I use a lot of tissues (allergies, you know). When I think of being positive, I think more about how I let the things around me affect me, rather than my own opinions of others. Despite numerous rejections from jobs, I’ve tried as hard as I could to keep a positive attitude about my job search, and it hasn’t always been easy. It seems that it paid off, because despite being 20 minutes late to the interview, I did actually get the latest job I interviewed for.

As for judging others, yeah, we do it a lot. I don’t think it’s necessarily a negative thing. Being critical about the decisions others are making can help you make decisions for yourself. It might be a good idea to keep our opinions to ourselves more, but, let’s face it, that’s never going to happen.

Tamra Writes:

Just like Shira, when I read this, I immediately thought to myself, “I do use a lot of tissues.” Once I even had a discussion with someone about how some people are “tissue people” and some people are not. Somewhere along the line I changed from a “non-tissue person” to a “tissue person”, with my allergies and everything. Even with the abundance of tissues I do feel like I am a positive person. I don’t think there is anything wrong with poking fun at people you don’t know. They will never find out and it’s always good for a laugh. I’m not gonna lie, I love to judge. I’m not doing anything with my judgments, but I like having them around, and I think by looking at other people’s choices, whether it’s an unfortunate decision to wear tapered jeans, or the even more unfortunate choice to marry a guy you met online 2 weeks before, I think it helps me make the best decisions for myself. Is there any reason to not use other people’s mistakes so we don’t make the same ones ourselves? I don’t think so.  I feel that I am very positive. I always try to look on the bright side and work hard to do well. When other people at work complain, I try to make them laugh or show them the silver lining to their problems, which are usually ridiculous anyway. I think if you’re not letting your judgments make you become a negative Nancy, there is nothing wrong with keeping them around for another year. Besides, anyone who says they aren’t judgmental is probably lying.

Alexis Writes:

I’m confused about the tissues, but I don’t have allergies so maybe that’s why. I don’t think I’m a tissue person (that actually sounds kind of gross). I consider myself a work-in-progress person. I try to be positive but I am constantly frustrated by other people’s choices. I don’t really want to be influenced by what other people do but unfortunately the choices people make often affect me. If one of my co-workers tries lies about what they’re doing, they make my job harder. If someone says something that I find morally upsetting I don’t like to stand by and just absorb their ignorance. In this way the world can be a difficult place for me because I get very upset when I feel that I am being harmed, or see other people being mistreated. I understand that most people don’t let this stuff drown them so I try to ignore it when I am frustrated by other people’s choices. However, eventually what happens is I just get upset and explode later when it gets to the point that I can’t control it.

Because I know this about myself I am on a quest for inner peace. Most of the time this means exercising and lately it’s hot yoga. And, truth be told I’m even judging people during hot yoga. I look at who is wearing a cute outfit, who shouldn’t be wearing a crop top and most importantly who is better and who is worse than I am in my yoga class. This completely goes against the whole point of taking yoga but I have to tell you after about 10 minutes into the class I am so hot and sweaty and basically want to die that I am completely focused on myself. So that’s a victory because for a few moments I only worry about myself and I make no judgments about anyone (except whoever is teaching the class, because I basically want to kill them). The world is full of judgments. We are evaluated in our profession, we are evaluated in dating, and we are evaluated by other people judging if we are successful and happy. Judgment and judging is a part of life. The secret is not doing away with judgment, it’s how you deal with it that determines if you are a positive person.

Mom Writes: Okay, it sounds like a consensus. Judge on! Our optimism is safe within us and can co-exist alongside our judgments. If my goal was to raise positive people, I hope I succeeded. I do wonder, though, what other parents do to try to raise optimists. Or is it just inborn?